The intrepid reporters from SSS have recently located the following historical document in the archives of the Ulster Museum. Some three centuries old, this diary entry shines a new light on our upcoming Setanta Cup trip to Dundalk -
Mondaye, the 28th daye of February in the Yeare of OUR LORD 1701
LORD JAMES KERR of WINDSOR dothe pray ye to take full particulars of the LINFIELD Club’s trip to DUNDALKE. The club’s official printe-fite fays as follows
SIR DAVID JEFFREY reported bad tidings on the fitnefs of the menfolke.
Mafters MULGREW and McALLISTER were ftrucke with ftomache ache after each confuming one hundrede weight of SIGNOR DOMINO’S tomatoe-coated flatbreades.
Mafter WM MURPHY was reported fitte for dutye defpite his four fcore and twelve yeares of age, his greye bearde and his havinge been placed in ftockes the laft time he left our fhores.
Mafter LINDSAY was ftill recorded as abfent, his beinge afflictede with confumption, goute, rickettes, inflammation, lurgye, impetigoe, St Vitus Dance and bad humoure. Pray ye well for his soule.
The Scotche knave DOUGLAS was miffinge, his feete havinge been placed backe-to-fronte by wychecrafte.
Younge Mafters KANE, McCAUL and BURNES were to be drawn from the workhoufe to appear.
Mifter MICHAEL LITTLE reported no further newes from abroade as the other playeres did have the curtains drawne on their bedchamberes.
No womenfolke are to traville. They are bid to say at hearth and home, clad in GRAY and to guarde the KEYS of their menfolke.
All able men are bid to journeye fouthe from BELFASTE by foote, fhippe, horse and coache.
All LINFIELD followeres abroade are bid to packe welle and to eache gathere the followinge provisions for yr journeye –
ONE horne gunpoweder
TWO packes shotte
ONE fharpe fworde
ONE KING JAMES BIBLE
FOURE gallons ftoute ale
SIXE pouches pipe tobaccoe
Upon reachinge yr deftination at DUNDALKE the menfolke are to gather in the towne fquare and ftoutly fing in praise of HIS MAJEFTY, KING WILLIAM.
Beware ye the following locals and know ye yr weaponfe
The locale constabularie or GARDSE. Runne themme throughe with yr fworde.
The locale wyches and preacherfe of blacke magicke or PRIESTES. Runne themme throughe with yr fworde.
The locale womenfolke or MARSHBEASTES. Runne.
The locale LORD and PROTECTOR or HAWKE of DUNDALKE. Prostate thyfelf before himme and wonder at his majefty.
Thefe travillinge advifes will be infpectede and enforcede by the WYCHEFINDER GENERAL, SIR ANDREWE CONNE.
Pray ye breake breade at the LINFIELD DININGE LOUNGE AND COFFEE SHOPPE where ye may findefte the fineft fweetbreads, flat ales and difeafes this fide of the LAGGANNE.
A blacke fmalle DOGGE has been loste outside the PARISHE OF FINAGHYE.
If found, it should be boned, ftuffed with cornmeal and cooked until done before being returned to mafter ECCLES.